Selfish Sacrifice
by Spirix
Summary: “Yeah… being in love must be very lonely.” When you give your heart to another, what do you have left?[Sequel to Blood Ribbon][[IchigoxRenji]]


**Title:** Selfish Sacrifice  
**Author:** Spirixx  
**Series: **Sequel to Blood Ribbon

**Pairing:** Ichigo/Renji  
**Spoilers:** Well it takes place during the war.  
**Warnings:** Lots of violence.  
**Disclaimer:** As much as I wish I do not own Bleach...

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Selfish Sacrifice

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_"People in love are selfish."_

_"What the hell are you talking about Ichigo?"_

_"Come on Renji, they never think about the people around them." _

"_And that makes them selfish?"_

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"Renji! You need to let go! It has been five years! You are never going to find him!"

The red-head paced the small living space like a wild cat. Urahara and his posse were out doing whatever it was they did. Renji was only passing through and need a place to refresh himself. Rukia was right; it really was five long years of searching. That wasn't long though, for someone who had forever.

"Rukia, stop yelling. You're giving me a head ache. Why are you even in the living world anyways? Shouldn't you be working back in the Soul Society?"

Rukia sat on a table near the window. She was gripping the ledge with white knuckled fists. Renji thought it was interesting that even though he had seen her probably only ten times since he started his search for Ichigo and she hadn't changed.

"I'm worried about you. Ni-sama told me you officially quit last week. Why? To chase a ghost? THAT'S OUR JOB!!! Why did you have to leave? Come home."

Renji stopped his circle into the floor to look at her. She was worried and it made him feel guilty but what else could he do? There was still a chance he could have the life he wanted but that meant leaving the one he had behind. How could he ever explain that to her though?

"Renji please, you're wasting your life away. You don't even know where to look. I can't let you destroy everything you have ever worked for in your grief. I know it's hard-"

"HOW WOULD YOU KNOW!?"

"Have you forgotten everyone? You really are in your own world"

"I'm sorry. Kaien-san…"

Rukia leaped off the table and grabbed the front of Renji's robes. Even though he was no longer a shinigami by trade, he was in his heart so his soul clothing hadn't changed. Her big blue eyes brimmed with pearly tears. She was still hurting so much and there was nothing anyone could do for her. Renji knew he was down that path too but he wouldn't go. Ichigo was alive somewhere and he would find him, regardless of what he left behind.

"Renji… I know loss more than anyone. You have to make peace and let him go. How would Ichigo feel knowing you were still grieving when you should be trying to be happy."

"I can't be happy Rukia, not without him. That's why I will find him. Our bond is too strong to be let go of."

Rukia began to shake him. He was always surprised at how much force she could muster on a whim. Feeling his very brain slush around in his head Renji toppled over. Rukia jumped free of the falling tower of a man as he hit the floor. He sat up and rested his forehead on a bent knee, the other one out straight.

"Maybe that will wake you up. Come back to reality Renji, even if you do find him, it won't be the him you loved, just some who looks like him and maybe acts like him but never him. I know this too. Please just stop looking. I know Ni-sama would be happy to have you back. Just say the word and we can go together, just like old times."

_Old Times?_ Renji wondered if he could even remember the old time anymore. Faint glimpses of little people and dirt brushed his mind but they help no warmth. He couldn't go back. Once someone crosses a mile stone they can never go back and Renji didn't want to. Was that wrong, to not want to go back to how his life was before he met the man who was now ruining it? Never. Ichigo was his life now. Love was all that mattered. The rest was all just artificial and meaningless without him.

"Rukia, try to understand. Without him I can't breathe. I love him and I never told him that. He is in the dark alone without knowing."

"You don't know that! He may not have even been put back into the system yet."

"He has."

"How do you know that!?"

"I just do ok? And now I look. It is all I have left to keep me going because there is still a chance I can be happy."

Rukia kneeled next to him. She placed her small hand under his chin to prop his face towards her. Renji didn't want to see her cry but there was little chance he could avoid it when she held him as such.

"Why can't you be happy with all of us? Your leaving is tearing a hole in our friendships as a group. Everyone is breaking off into smaller clusters. I'm not saying you were the glue that made us all friends. I'm saying that this abandonment is making everyone retreat into themselves. Our family is dying Renji. We spent so long trying to form one and now it's almost gone. You're being selfish. Ichigo isn't the only one who loved you. WE STILL DO!"

This enraged Renji. How dare she? Ichigo still loved him. He would never stop, just like how Renji would never stop. Why can't she understand?

"Rukia that's going too far!"

He thrust her away. She would never understand. All he wanted was to be happy, even if that meant living a life no one else would understand. He didn't want to be understood really, just accepted and sometimes not even that. He just wanted Ichigo back. He got up to leave. This conversation was wasting valuable time. Ichigo might be just hours away and he was sitting around. Renji made his way to the door.

"Renji please! I'm afraid that if you walk out that door I'll never see you again."

Rukia was almost hysterical. She didn't move from her spot on the floor, not wanting to cross a line that would push him. Renji felt a piece of his heart break away. Rukia was family, how could he just leave her like this. Then he realised, it wasn't his heart breaking. His heart was already gone; Ichigo had taken it with him. What was breaking were the bonds that kept him back.

"Rukia, try to understand. Once I find Ichigo, we can be a family again. I can't be apart of a family, any family, without him. I'll see you again, don't fret. He is just around the corner. I know it."

Renji knelt down to give her a quick hug. If he had held on any longer she may have forced him to stay. He was out the door in a flash. All he could hear were her sobbing pleas for him to stay, but he wouldn't let them divert him from his task. He needed Ichigo and everyone else had to wait. Maybe this is what Ichigo meant that one time. To be in love was to be selfish. That didn't matter. If being selfish got Ichigo back so be it. Love is thicker than anything else, even family… but wasn't love and family the same thing?

Renji thought hard about this, as he jumped from roof top to roof top. Things would be ok because when he found his loved one, he could be with his family again. Everyone would be happy. Then why did he feel like a part of him just died?

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"_Yeah, they only care about each other, people in love."_

"_Ichigo, ever think that maybe all they have is each other…"_

"_Then they must be lonely."_

"_Yeah… being in love must be very lonely."_

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END

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So it looks like I'm making a series of oneshots about his. I am thinking about deleting them and making a chapter story but then it wouldn't be the same. I don't want them linked that way. I like the lack of a real plot. I also like how it is a journal of my past. It makes the story more real. I hope no one hates me for who I made Renji. It's been itching the back of my mind since I wrote Blood Ribbon. Love is about being selfish. You devote yourself entirely to one soul and hope they do the same for you but what about everyone else.

People who elope make me sad. Your parents spend your whole life trying to do everything right by you, to make your world a special and safe place. When you finally find someone to complete you, you don't even share it with the people who gave everything to you?

I was selfish once. I loved without limits and it broke my family apart. It wasn't until the love ran out that I realized what I had done. Real love doesn't run out, so I strained the bonds with my family for a common mixture of friendship and lust. It had taken me almost a year to mend the wounds of my own infatuation. I was so eager to give the when it was done, I didn't get all I gave back. A piece of me stays with that person, but I don't hate them for it, never. They helped me see the truth and gave me the courage to go back and fix my mistakes.

I think I am finally growing up. I am long since over due. Love is a wonderful thing but people forget that there are so many different kinds, or maybe it is all the same. I don't see it as ambiguity but instead of opportunity. I used to believe it was about giving my everything to another person, but what does that leave the people who loved me long before this person came along? I have to learn to love one and love all, to be able to be specific to one person but without leaving everyone else out of it.

This story is for my mother, someone who loved me whole heartedly even when I didn't want love her. I'm sorry.


End file.
